sinking?

When I was really sick, my spleen filled with blood and sank below my rib cages. It had a strange, vulnerable feeling. It felt heavy and often had a sharp pain if I moved wrong.

Today I think my heart may feel the same way. Heavy, with sharp pains, and slightly vulnerable. I'm really not sure what may be causing this. There are no new love interests, not even new people in my life, and I cant even decide if the feeling is good or bad.

I feel sad in a very unsad way. Its more of a nervous sense of failure in how my life is going. But its not all sad. It is a very uncertain frustrated feeling, that is making my heart hurt.

I'm pretty sure most of it is because of family. Ive told some people about my current situation, and i would rather not broadcast it on the internet, so if your interested ill explain, but be prepared for possible tears. Anyways, i told myself if it ever happened again, I would walk out the door and probably never come back for quite a long time. In thinking about it, the only places I could go, based on my financial situation would be my friend in Indiana, who always tells me that i am more than welcome there, or possibly a relative in Ohio. I dont want to leave, but I honestly cant stay here. Whats sad is the fact that I already have a bag packed with necessities and enough money for a plane ticket.

As a way to hopefully avoid another family crisis type I have been busying myself with work, school, polo, and friends etc. But its strange because I am FORCING myself into all of this. If I had a choice I would probably just lay in bed all day, attempting to sleep my life away. But I know thats unhealthy and I am really trying to keep some shred of sanity.

I'm not quite sure what brought on this post. It could be the psychology homework that i missed, making it almost more than likely that i will not recieve a passing grade in the course, or the fact that i am so miserably lonely and i see that i am lonely and do nothing to fix it. nothing.

i dont remember the last time i ever felt this blue.

i just feel hopeless. and worst of all i feel that no one really cares.

i'm sooo incredibly tired of being home with my depresed mother, my verbally abusive suicidal sister, an constantly PMSing other sister, and a selfish father.

it frustrates me soo much that no one really understands how much i feel like i am dying inside by being at home. i cant take mandi telling me that she wished my fat ass would die anymore. especially now that i for sure cant fight back because i dont want her to fucking kill herself because of something ive said.

i really really really need friends right now more than i ever have and i feel like no one really cares. everyone just goes on fine without me. and i dont want to say anything because in a way it makes me feel a little better knowing that im the only one suffering.

i just want someone to talk to.

i need sunshine, i need people.

ahh i feel so selfish.

sicksicksick.

This may sound incredibly selfish, but I feel incredibly lonely and even more stressed.

I'm lonely because I haven't talked to hardly anyone the past 2 weeks unless I texted them or it was a random mass text. Granted, I have been extremely sick but its often nice to get a "get well soon" text or call.

I'm extremely stressed mainly about my heath, here is how my week has gone.

Monday of last week: Pass out, yet again, from another pesky migraine.
Tuesday: Make a doctors appointment to discuss pesky migraines.Get 3 shots.
Wednesday: Wake up with blood on my pillow, feeling horrible I go get blood tested.
Thursday: My bloodwork came back crazy and I feel worse, Straight to the E.R.
While in the E.R.: More blood taken, I get an I.V., 2 more shots, one i'm allergic to and start convulsing, vommiting, and twitching for more than 4 hours all the while being ignored by the overly busy nurses and doctors. Diagnosis:"nothing, take some ibuprofen"
Friday: Come home feeling even worse from lack of sleep.
Saturday:Worse, can't get out of bed.
Sunday: Slightly better, visit Kate, come home and vomit.
Monday: Back to the doctors, another IV more shots, more blood tests, huge tonsils
Tuesday: Diagnosis: possible Mono? possible something else? Tonsils swollen shut.
Wednesday: Back to the doctors, more shots, another IV.

Basicallyyy I have a swollen spleen, kidney, and liver, and incredibly infected tonsils, can't eat, cant sleep, and am on like 7 different medications.

I'm also freaking out about my classes, I really can't get dropped, and not one of my teachers have replied to my e-mails.


ugh, i just feel crappy all around and I'm so tired of watching movies all alone, especially since I have seen all the movies in my collection. :[. i'm not asking for a pityparty or anything i just dont want to feel so all alone and i want to know if anyone even cares. ugh. i just want to feel better already.

bleh.i dont care,

I feel really sad. Its a strange sadness, I'm not crying, I just feel sad. I feel physically empty, and I think that is what is making me sad. I also feel strangely selfish for making this post.

I feel like I can't talk because what people hear isn't what I am saying, and this has been troubling me a lot.

I'm so tired of work. I'm so tired of people. I'm so tired of everything that is going wrong in my life now. I must be a horrible person because lately when I've seen people happy, it just makes my sadness heavier. This must make me an extremely selfish person, and in thinking this, it just makes my sadness even heavier.

I really don't understand how sadness can be both empty and heavy. I just miss feeling happy.

I've concluded that I am the loneliest loner who hates being alone. I really need to talk to someone. But I know that when someone brings it up, or I try to bring it up, I'll just pretend that nothing is wrong and go through the days like I have been.ugh.whatswrongwithme?

byebye.

i'm deleting my...
blog.
livejournal.
tumblr.
possibly facebook.

they all just make me sad.